Tony knew he was in a hospital the moment he woke up. Aside from his own injuries over the years, he’d had plenty of long hours visiting coworkers who’d been hurt in the line of duty. The beeping of monitors and the hiss of oxygen told him that he’d been more seriously hurt than he’d thought at the time. A shiver ran through him at the thought of his kidnapper and tormentor, even though logically, he knew that the man had either been captured or killed in his rescued.

He was really hoping for the killed option.

It took a few tries to focus his vision, but when he did, blinking away the nasty crud in his eyes, Tony was surprised to find Jethro nowhere in the room. He wasn’t in ICU, though he did have the private room to himself. Thinking that he’d just stepped out for coffee, Tony waited...and waited some more.

Realizing that his lover just wasn’t there hurt more than he’d thought anything could. Tony took a few minutes to compose himself before reaching for the call button. Before he finished the motion, though, the door opened and a doctor entered.

The older man smiled at him and greeted, “Glad to have you back with us, Agent DiNozzo. How are you feeling?”

“Like I was run over by a Mack truck,” Tony rasped.

The smile increased as the doctor replied, “I bet. The good news is that you’re going to be fine.”

“How long was I under?”

“Well, after the surgery, you were kept sedated to give your eyes a chance to heal.”

Tony was frightened by the statement, his eyes had always been perfect, better than perfect really, and exclaimed, “My eyes!?”

“They’re fine, Agent DiNozzo, we just didn’t want to take any chances,” the doctor assured him hastily. “It took a few days for the swelling to go down enough to tell that there hadn’t been any permanent damage. It’s been six days since your surgery and I’m pleased to say that with some therapy, you’re going to be back to normal. It’ll take some time, but you’ll be fine.”

The racing of Tony’s heart slowed with the man’s confidence and he sighed in relief. “Have you seen Agent Gibbs? Is he here?”

Frowning, the doctor answered, “I don’t believe I’ve seen him since I told him that you were going to be fine, just after the surgery. Let me see…Kate and her friend Abby have been here every day, they should be arriving in just a little while, as a matter of fact. I know they’ll be thrilled to see you wide awake and talking. And your parents, of course, have been in to see you as often as they can, they were camped out by your side for the first forty-eight hours. And I believe I’ve seen an English gentleman here with a young black man, though I can’t remember their names, I’m afraid. You have quite a number of people who care about you.”

Tony was still lost in hurt at the knowledge that Jethro hadn’t been to the hospital once since his surgery six days ago and almost missed the rundown about everyone else. The first couple of days after, he could understand, there would’ve been mop-up and all kinds of paperwork. But for six whole days? Realizing that the doctor was staring at him expectantly, Tony said, “It’ll be good to see them, too. So, what are we looking at for a timeline here?”

The doctor rambled on about ‘wait and see,’ and therapy evaluations, and possible pneumonia complications from his injured lung, but Tony finally cornered him into admitting that it would be at least a month before he could leave the hospital, and after that, he would need someone to help him in his apartment.

“Tony!” Abby squealed from the door, interrupting them.

Grinning when she accidentally pushed the doctor out of her way in her rush to the bed, Tony exclaimed, “Careful there, Abs, don’t damage the doc!”

She offered an abashed wave to the doctor, who smiled at her and said, “I’ll be back to check on you later, Agent DiNozzo. Enjoy your visit, but don’t tired him out, young lady.”

“I’ll make sure we don’t,” Kate said, passing him on her way into the room.

Abby planted herself on the bed while Kate dragged the chair over. Smiling at them both, Tony greeted, “Hey. So what’d I miss? How’d you find me?”

Grimacing, Kate answered, “Your admirer Sarah Malloni. She told us where you were being held and FBI went in with a tactical unit to get you out.”

“Sarah…from my building Sarah?” Tony exclaimed.

Abby gently poked him in the shoulder and replied, “Yeah, and if you ever don’t tell us you have a stalker again, I will personally make sure that Ducky lectures you for hours on the subject of personal safety.”

Still astonished, Tony explained, “I didn’t think, I mean, she was really stalking me? I thought I was being paranoid.”

“You should’ve seen the pictures the woman had of you. A lot of them were with a telephoto, but there were some regular shots too,” Kate confirmed. “Very creepy and disturbing. Gibbs nearly passed out when we found the room.”

Which was exactly the opening that he did and didn’t want to take. Hesitant, he asked, “Was he hurt? Um, getting me out I mean? The doctor said that he, he hadn’t been around.”

Abby and Kate exchanged a look, then Kate said, “Gibbs is fine. He’s at the office.”

More pain stabbed him right in the heart. Swallowing it down, Tony forced a smile and brushed it off with, “Well someone needs to hold down the fort if you two are out on the streets.”

“Speaking of Ducky,” Abby said, apropos of nothing. “He said to give you his best and that he and Gerald will be by tomorrow if they have a chance. There’s some kind of inspection going on, so they’re swamped. Who knew that the morgue needed inspections?”

“Hey Abby? Can you grab me a drink? I left mine in the car and I’m dying of thirst,” Kate asked.

Abby nodded, smiling brightly, and kissed Tony’s cheek before climbing off the bed and leaving the room.

Tony half-smiled and observed, “Not as subtle as usual, Kate.”

Shrugging, Kate took Abby’s place on the bed. “I haven’t been in a subtle mood lately. I know it’s none of my business, and I know I give you shit about a lot of things, but I have to say that Gibbs is a complete asshole for how he’s been the last week. I still can’t believe that he hasn’t been by to see you even once! Tony, you deserve so much better than him!”

The pain threatened to overwhelm him at her quietly furious declaration and Tony barely held on to his emotions. He should’ve known that Kate would know about them without being told, she wasn’t stupid after all. Drawing in a shaky breath, he managed a watery smile as he answered, “Maybe, but I don’t want better than him. I just…I just want him, Kate, you know? And I th-thought that I had him, for a, a little while anyhow. But…I guess I don’t.”

“Oh Tony, I’m sorry,” Kate murmured, rubbing his shoulder. “I shouldn’t be laying this on you right now. Will it make you feel better if I beat him up? Because I can, you know.”

A laugh burst out of Tony, immediately followed by a groan of pain as his ribs protested. Giving her a genuine smile, Tony said simply, “Thank you.”

Abby returned right then with a soda and exclaimed, “Can you believe that there was only all diet drinks to choose from? It’s like a conspiracy or something to make you think you’re fat when you’re not. Well, if you’re not, because, you know, there are fat people in hospitals. Hey, you think maybe the distributors are in cahoots with the fashion mags? Because I can totally see that.”

Feeling a little better, even with the gaping hole where his heart used to be, Tony grinned and settled back to listen as Kate and Abby went over the merits of the new theory.

* * * *

The days were fine. Jethro kept busy during the days. He had plenty of work to do that kept him focused and took up his time and attention. Kate wasn’t speaking to him except in a work context, but he was actually pretty happy about that. Her damning silence wasn’t very easy to take, but he was damn sure it was easier than the words she could hurtle at him like the sharpest of knives.

He became obsessive about learning new technology, even more so than before. Online classes filled the early evening hours to stave off going home to an empty house. Every so often, he would turn towards Tony’s desk to make a sarcastic remark about the other students’ stupidity, only to remember that Tony was in the hospital. It took a while to get back into the groove of the class when that happened, but it was better than having to spend the entire night alone at home.

Once home, Jethro forced himself to eat something, even though he didn’t taste any of what he cooked or heated up in the microwave. When he finished cleaning or doing other mundane household tasks, he spent most of the rest of the night working on his boat, or researching things online to improve his skills. Or both.

It wasn’t until about midnight or one a.m. that he had nothing else to do except go to sleep in an empty bed. And it was around midnight or one a.m. that he couldn’t stop himself from taking a shower, getting changed, and driving down to see Tony.

Jethro easily avoided the nurses on their rounds. He had watched the first night to see what their schedule was for visiting Tony and simply entered the room when they weren’t there. Hiding out in the bathroom wasn’t exactly dignified, but he’d ducked into it a couple of times when unexpected footsteps had sounded outside the room. That was the good thing about visiting then, it was very quiet and he could hear people coming.

Sitting on the bed a week after Tony’s surgery, Jethro immediately noticed that the bandages had been taken off the other man’s eyes and sighed in relief. It looked like Tony’s vision was safe, that he’d be able to see all right. His fingers brushed the bangs off Tony’s forehead and he apologized quietly, “Sorry I wasn’t here last night, but it was either crash at home or pass out at work. I guess I can’t go on and on for three hours of sleep a night anymore. Getting old.”

He paused to take Tony’s hand, bringing it up and pressing it to his lips and sighing deeply as he held it to his cheek. Lowering it to his thigh, Jethro gently rubbed the palm and continued, “They’ll probably bring you out of it tomorrow, if the bandages are gone now, so this’ll be my last visit. I wish I wasn’t such a coward, but I can’t risk you like that again, Tony, I’m sorry. I can’t face you being hurt or…or killed, because of me. Ah hell, I don’t even know if I could survive you at all, even if it had nothing to do with me. And I know we talked about this the other night, but I wanted to say it again in case it didn’t sink in the first time.

“I’m hoping some small part of you hears this and knows that I still love you. I always will. I want so bad to just crawl into bed with you and hold you and fall asleep like that, but I can’t. I know you’ll forgive me one day, but I doubt I’ll ever forgive myself for what’s happened to you,” Jethro finished.

He leaned down and rested his head on Tony’s shoulder, one of the few places he knew wasn’t injured. Even through the antiseptic hospital smell, when he was this close to Tony, he could smell his lover and it brought him comfort in ways that nothing else could. Sighing deeply, he whispered, “Just five minutes, that’s all I need, then I’ll leave.”

“Take as long as you want.”

Jethro froze in place at Tony’s soft words and then a heavy hand rested on the back of his head keeping him there as fingers stroked through his hair.

Tony continued, “They brought me out of it this morning. Surprised Kate didn’t say anything.”

“She’s not speaking to me,” Jethro explained, still not moving.

“Ah. Yeah, she’s pretty ticked at you for not visiting me. But then, so was I, before I knew you were sneaking in to see me…Jethro, look at me.”

Reluctantly, Jethro lifted from Tony’s shoulder and looked at the other man. There was a pinched, pained expression on the younger man’s face as they stared at each other. He saw so much in those eyes: pain, forgiveness, anger, and love. All of it whirled in Tony’s expressive gaze and Jethro’s breath caught as he tried to keep his own emotions down.

Shaking his head as a tear slipped out, Tony ordered softly, “Don’t you ever do that to me again, Jethro. Don’t you ever let me think you don’t love me, unless you don’t. I can take just about anything else, but not that.”

“Tony, I can’t…this happened because of me,” Jethro replied, speaking steadily through sheer force of will.

“Bullshit! That is such crap and you’d know it if you weren’t so fucking egotistical sometimes!” Tony snapped, punching Jethro’s shoulder. “This happened because I was nice to a lunatic who decided she wanted to play house without my consent. She used you to get to me, yeah, but none of this would have happened if I’d had the common sense God had given me and just told someone about her.”

Surprised by the barrage, Jethro didn’t answer, absently rubbing the dull throb where Tony had socked him.

Tony ran out of steam after the outburst and sagged back against the pillows. Eyes closed, Tony whispered, “I don’t want to lose you, Jethro, but I won’t force you to stick around, either. If you don’t want to be here, th-then you shouldn’t be. It’s your decision, Boss, always has been.”

Could he do this? Could he really just get up and walk away? Jethro knew that that was exactly what Tony was giving him the option to do. That he was even expecting it to happen. His mind flashed back to finding Tony on the cot, bleeding and broken and blind, and nausea rose swiftly. How could he consider staying when something like that could happen again? He had so many enemies and if he stayed with Tony, the younger man would be in constant danger, even more so than from just the job itself.

Without even realizing it, he was on his feet. Tony’s eyes remained closed and his head turned away from Jethro, accepting the decision, even as he hesitated to leave.

“Just go. Please.”

The whisper was barely audible, but it put Jethro’s feet in motion and he left. When the door swung softly shut behind him, he stopped, breathing as hard as if he’d run a marathon, his heart pounding in his chest and his throat tight. Everything inside was screaming to turn around, to get back to Tony’s side, but fear held him back.

And that was when Jethro really stopped and admitted that the problem was fear. Fear of Tony being hurt and killed. Fear of Tony being tormented or tortured again.

Fear of Tony…

Jehtro’s eyes widened when the knowledge struck him out of the blue. He wasn’t just afraid that something would happen to Tony, he was afraid of Tony. Afraid of the power that Tony had over him, now that he’d let the younger man so deep inside. He was scared shitless that he’d be left a ruined shell because Tony would leave him one day down the road. It was the same trap he’d fallen into with all of his wives, among other things. The deep down insecurity that he’d be left alone, so why not make sure it happened on his terms?

“You stupid asshole,” he muttered, barely resisting the very strong urge to bash his head against the wall.

Instead, he turned around and walked back into the hospital room to find Tony curled into a ball on his side, shaking as he cried into a pillow, muffling the heartrending sounds into it. Rushing to the bed, Jethro could only think of the damage that Tony was doing to his internal injuries and exclaimed, “Tony, come on, straighten out, you’re going to hurt yourself!”

Tony jumped in reaction to his voice and his tear-stained face lifted from the pillow to stare at him in shock. “What’re you doing here? Get out! You don’t want to be here, so leave!”

“Tony, no, listen to me! Please, give me a chance to explain, but first, you’re going to hurt yourself, please move?” Jethro begged, hand on Tony’s back.

For a long, suspicious moment, Tony didn’t move. He did let Jethro arrange him into a safer position, staying silent. Jethro felt like a worm on a hook, but didn’t back down, making sure all the tubes and pads were still in place despite the younger man’s jostling. When that was set, Jethro sighed shakily, seeing just how much pain he’d caused, and feeling the guilt that went with it. Because he’d given in to fear.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Jethro said, “I’m sorry. I was scared.”

“You said that,” Tony muttered, not meeting his eyes.

Jethro shook his head and clarified, “Of you, Tony. I was scared of you.”

Incredulous, Tony looked at him and demanded, “What the hell for?”

“It sounds stupid, I know, but I was afraid you were going to leave me and I guess I just figured that I’d do it first. I didn’t even know that’s what I was doing, not until it hit me in the hall, just now.”

Tony was completely silent, staring at him without any expression for a few minutes as he digested the explanation. Just as Jethro was starting to think he should get a doctor, a pillow slammed into his face and Tony shouted, “You asshole! You fucking bastard! What were you thinking!?”

“What is going on in here!”

They both turned towards the new voice in surprise, finding a nurse glaring at them from the door.

“What are you doing here? You need to leave right now, or I’ll call security!” she exclaimed.

“No, wait, it’s okay,” Tony interrupted. “Please, I was just upset, don’t make him go, okay?”

“Visiting hours…”

Jethro stood and asked, “Please, just for ten more minutes. It’s vital we clear something up right now and then I promise I’ll leave.”

She stared at him suspiciously, but finally nodded. Wagging a finger at him, she repeated, “Ten minutes. And I’m timing you.”

Making an X over his heart, Jethro agreed, “Ten minutes.”

When she was gone, Jethro turned back to the bed, more than a little afraid of what would happen next.

“You know, I’ve heard a lot of really dumb excuses in my time, I’ve probably made up a good portion of them, too, but what you just told me…” Tony’s voice faded and he sighed. “It’s not stupid, Jethro. I can understand why you’d feel that way from what you’ve told me about your past relationships, but you gotta know that I’m not like that. I love you and would do anything to stay at your side. Anything. Every day I’m with you it’s like…like a bonus, scoring big, you know?”

Swallowing against the tightness in his throat, Jethro sat on the bed and took Tony’s hand again. “I don’t know, Tony, because no one’s ever said that to me before. Not even you.”

A bit rueful, Tony observed, “Score one for dumbass masculine pride. I’m saying it now, Jethro…I love you. Every day with you, shows me what life is supposed to be like, even when you’re being a jerk to me, because you’re the jerk I love.”

Laughing softly, aching with relief that he might come out of this with his heart intact, Jethro said, “That’s very, very good to know, Tony. It really is. And, you know I do love you, right?”

“So you said when you thought I was unconscious,” Tony replied, hesitant.

Jethro shook his head. “So I said the day before this nightmare started, remember?”

“It’s not going to be pretty, you know. Hell, I’m not going to be pretty anymore,” Tony whispered, his eyes flickering away.

Leaning in, Jethro kissed him, slow and deep, feeling them reconnecting with the sharing of their breaths and the lazy twining of their tongues. When he pulled back, he stared deep into the big, dark eyes and whispered, “You weren’t all that pretty to begin with.”

Tony laughed, an honest, open sound and punched him again, eyes twinkling. “Thanks a lot, Boss.”

Smiling, feeling like he might never stop, Jethro cupped Tony’s face and stated, “You’re what matters, Tony, I don’t care what you look like as long as you’re healthy and happy.”

Echoing the smile, Tony announced, “You’re a sap.”

Jethro arched an eyebrow at him. “No one will believe you if you say that I said that, so don’t even bother.”

“Time’s up, gentlemen.”

Sighing, Jethro leaned in for another kiss and then stood, brushing the hair from Tony’s forehead. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Get some sleep.”

“I think I can, now,” Tony admitted, smiling tiredly.

Jethro nodded to the nurse as he passed by and offered her a smile.

She followed him a few paces and informed him, “We were worried when you didn’t show up last night, you know.”

Jethro groaned.

* * * *

“I’ve got it!” Tony huffed, glaring at his lover.

Holding up his hands, Jethro backed off and let Tony walk unassisted to the sofa in his living room. The last three weeks had been, alternatively, horrendously slow and incredibly fast. There were the days when Tony was in so much pain from therapy that he could barely move without crying and there were the days he had so much energy that he could barely stop talking and bouncing around in the hospital bed. Usually an energetic Tony corresponded to the nights that Jethro got the least amount of sleep because he was up worrying about the next day of scheduled pain and therapy.

Once he explained things to Kate, she helped take a lot of his duties at work, clearing his schedule of the administrative duties that came with the territory. She only occasionally gave him grief and he was of the suspicious mind that she was waiting to swoop on both of them when Tony was back to full strength. Abby, on the other hand, had no problems teasing him about being ‘off the market for good’ and ‘mid-life crisis.’ Ducky was just as bad but, thankfully, Gerald kept him in line for the most part.

It had been decided that Tony would stay at Jethro’s house while finishing his recovery and when he couldn’t be there because of an investigation, an aide would be around to help. Officially, it was only a friend helping out an injured friend, since regulations forbid romantic partners from working together. And hey, if Tony forgot to change his address once he was better, they were both pretty sure that no one in personnel would notice or care.

Arms crossed over his chest, Jethro watched as Tony leaned heavily on the cane to walk to the sofa. It was a painful thing to witness, the younger man’s previous grace and strength completely gone, thanks to the hamstring injury. Beckwood had done a lot of damage with that knife of his and the extent of it hadn’t been discovered until Tony had started therapy. They’d had to go back in and do surgery on the leg in an attempt to fix it.

When Tony collapsed onto the sofa, Jethro asked mildly, “Happy?”

Panting a little, his face tight with pain, Tony replied, “Thrilled. Now get me a bucket so I can throw up in peace.”

Jethro shook his head in fond exasperation and walked over to him, sitting on the couch and pulling Tony to him. His lover slid down and lay over his lap, eyes closing as Jethro rubbed his fingers through the thick hair. Kissing the temple, Jethro observed, “Rough day.”

“Sucked,” Tony agreed. But then a smile surfaced and he continued, “But I’m home now.”

“You’re home now,” Jethro agreed, still massaging Tony’s scalp.

Humming in contentment, Tony mumbled, “Just going to take a little rest.”

“Pull your legs up.”

They arranged him so that he was stretched out altogether, instead of half-on, half-off. Jethro knew that Tony was about to fall asleep from the exertion of being up and about all day and he didn’t want any additional strained muscles. As it was, he was about to follow Tony into dreamland, the gentle massage soothing Jethro as much as his lover.

It was going to be a long haul, but he knew they’d make it now that the hard stuff was out of the way. Now that Tony had kicked his heart into shape, along with kicking his ass into line. Smiling briefly, Jethro yawned and settled in for the night.