The first time Derek had seen John as a kid, his entire worldview had changed. The man he’d served in the future had been nowhere to be found in the young face. The eyes were soft and open, revealing everything young John felt when he felt it. There was some muscle on him, but he hadn’t reached his full potential in any way, shape or form. There were no scars, well, not in any unclothed areas, anyhow.

All Derek had been able to think while watching Sarah and John from a distance was, How is that boy supposed to lead mankind?

And then, of course, he’d realized that he wouldn’t. The boy would go through horror after horror and become a hard-bitten, nearly silent, brilliant man who never showed anything of what he felt, let alone when he felt it.

As he stayed with Sarah, John and the terminator bitch, though, Derek caught glimpses of the man within the boy. The passion was unrestrained, true, but the strength of will tuned out to be just as indomitable as a boy. No, not a boy, a youth. Because the more he knew young John, the more he knew that John had never been just a boy. He’d been training since childhood thanks to Sarah, and was all too aware that life was fragile and easily ended. The knowledge of his future haunted young John’s eyes in a way that Derek had never seen in the future.

The night that John went out on an actual date with a girl from his school, Derek shadowed them without anyone’s knowledge or consent. He couldn’t help himself. Not through the need to protect, although that was there in spades, but out of a dark jealousy that had no part of his mission and yet wouldn’t go away.

He and John had been together only once in the future, but his memory still vividly conjured the entire encounter. It had brought him through many cold and lonely nights. The feel of John’s body, the hard muscles and rough patches of scars. The taste of him, slightly gritty as they all were from the layer of dust that never left the air, but also salty from his sweat and indefinably John. How good he’d smelled, right at his cock and ass, the musk of him filling Derek.

And his passion. Holy fuck, his passion. They’d been behind closed doors that night, something Derek hadn’t experienced since his own youth, and taken each other wildly, loud and unrestrained. John had been so damn tight, and yet so welcoming. His fingers dug into every bit of Derek possible while his mouth sucked and bit at his nipples. When John had flipped him over after they’d wrestled naked on an actual bed, Derek had just moaned and spread his legs, eager for whatever John saw fit to give him.

A car horn brought Derek’s thoughts back to the present and he shuddered, his dick hardening under his pants just from the memory. He knew, logically, that young John had nothing to do with his one-time lover in the future. Derek did know that, but he couldn’t help feeling extra possessive and overprotective of young John.

Maybe future John had done it on purpose, binding Derek to him in that way. Knowing as he did now that John had done the same with Kyle and Sarah, he sure as hell wouldn’t put it past him. But if he’d done it, then did that mean Derek had permission to be with young John? Or did he have no rights to him at all, instead only the zeal with which to die for him? Because Derek would do that in a heartbeat and never consider it a sacrifice.

And if he did become young John’s lover, what happened in the future? Because he’d never seen John with any other man. Did he die along the way, like Kyle had for Sarah? Or had his John sent him back to protect young John in the hopes that they really would stop Skynet and they could just lead a normal life together? But if they stopped Skynet, what about young Derek and young Kyle? How could either be sent back in the first place if the future never happened? Was Derek just a remnant from a fragmented timeline that would just disappear when Skynet never happened? Or did he live out his life along with young Derek, but entirely separate?

It gave him a headache to even attempt thinking about time travel and, as always, he pushed it aside. Smarter men than him couldn’t figure it out. He would just live his life for as long as possible at John’s side. He would protect him from everything, including the terminator bitch who’d somehow snared John’s loyalty, both young and future. He didn’t care if his John had sent her back from the future, she would betray them all one day. It was just her nature.

John and his date came out from the movie theater and Derek half-grinned at the sight of young John’s arm around the girl’s waist. He wondered if they’d made out in the theater or actually watched the movie and then thought, They watched it. John’s too honorable to try anything on the first date.

Which made his grin widen, considering some of the things they’d done together.

She was pretty and soft and, even as jealous as he was of the easy way she had with young John, Derek approved heartily. He’d argued with Sarah to let the date happen, wanting John to have as many good memories as he could get, just in case. While he hadn’t actually said that, something in his words or tone had gotten through to Sarah.

She’d finally given in with a glare and a pointed, “Home one hour after the movie ends, or I send Cameron after you.”

John had instantly agreed and then given Derek a beaming look of gratitude that immediately went right to his heart.

He waited until they’d reached their car and gotten safely inside before starting his car, watching them talk for several minutes before John faced front and started driving. Derek followed, smoothly pulling into traffic a few cars behind. It was easy enough to follow since he knew where they would end up; he didn’t have to worry about losing them.

The residential street turned out to be trickier, since no one turned down it except John. Derek drove passed it and then did a u-turn to face the way he’d come, pulling up to the curb to wait for John to come back out of it. There was only about thirty minutes for John to get home before Sarah sent Cameron out, after all, so he knew the kid wouldn’t be late. Sure enough, some five minutes later, John’s car drove back out of the residential street and Derek waited until he’d turned the corner before putting his lights back on and starting after him.

Derek didn’t actually follow John all the way home, just far enough to make sure he got there and then he kept going. If he was going to be reliving memories, he didn’t want to do it with John actually nearby. The temptation would be too damn much to do something. Keeping a stranglehold on his desire was easy enough most of the time. All he had to do was look at how young John really was and compare it with the man he’d known. The disparity was enough to keep him from doing something stupid.

Not to mention that he was pretty damn sure Sarah would kill him if she caught him lusting after her son. The terminator bitch sure as hell would, if Sarah didn’t.

Derek drove around the city for a couple of hours, lost in thought and memories. He stopped at an all-night diner to kill a half-hour before getting back in his car and driving home for real. A big part of him wanted to just find a club and get fucked, hard and often. But then he would think about his John and know that it would only make him feel hollow and emptier after than if he didn’t. He would have to get off in the shower or he’d never get to sleep, not with the mood he was in.

The lights were still on when he got back, which surprised him. He parked behind John’s car and walked tiredly up the path, the length of the day hitting him unexpectedly. He wanted nothing more than to shower, get off, and sleep.

Sarah sat at the kitchen table, cleaning weapons. She looked up at his entrance and asked, “Rough night?”

Derek shook his head. “Just tired. Should’ve come in sooner.”

“Why didn’t you?” she questioned, neutral.

He shrugged and settled on, “Habit. I drove around for a couple hours before calling it quits.”

“But not before making sure John got home.”

Derek didn’t show any sign that she’d guessed right, instead just looking at her and saying, “I didn’t see John tonight. He was on his date.”

She half-smiled and told him, “He spotted you while you were waiting at the curb outside her street. Said there’s never any cars there, let alone a man sitting in the dark for no reason. He was kinda ticked about it, actually.”

Sighing, Derek sat at the table and asked, “How ticked?”

“Well, I wouldn’t expect conversation for a few days, but he’s not going to mess with your weapons,” she assessed.

Derek shrugged. “I can live with that.”

Sarah said quietly, “Thank you. I couldn’t follow him without real repercussions.”

Since he couldn’t really say why he’d done it, Derek just shrugged again and replied, “You’re welcome,” before standing to leave.

“Good night, Derek,” she said, smiling briefly.

He walked to the bathroom first. He couldn’t get enough of showers and being clean. It was something that bordered on obsession with him, having been dirty for so very long. And all the different kinds of soaps just blew his mind away. He knew, from memories, about all the choices, but it had felt like a whole different world, one that he’d imagined.

The hot water always felt like such a gift, the first shock of it against his skin like a hit from a drug. Stepping directly under the spray, Derek closed his eyes and lifted his face to it. Turning, he lowered his head and let the water sluice over his body starting at the base of his neck. He stayed that way for a few minutes and then took hold of the moisturizing soap someone had left on his bed with no note. It was medicated and supposed to help with scar tissue, but didn’t have any kind of medicinal smell to it.

Derek knew who he wanted to have left it, but didn’t see how John could possibly gotten hold of something like it. But he used the soap religiously on the off chance it had been John. Not to mention that he did feel better for using the stuff. He hadn’t noticed any lessening of his scars, but he just didn’t feel as tight in his own skin, which was a serious plus.

Thinking about scars led him to thinking about his John. His equal, maybe his better, in strength, and with a damn sight more scars that told of fights and losses that Derek would never know. His hand slid lower and he gripped himself loose and easy, stroking as he remembered that night. Taking his time, Derek played with himself, teasing as he remembered the way John’s hands had felt, all over his body.

It didn’t take long for him to get off. All he had to do was imagine John in the tub with him, the tight quarters making it easy for both men to rub and slide together. His hand moved faster, squeezing tighter as he thought about John pushing him against the tile and then thrusting his cock deep in Derek’s body. It would be fast and hard, the other man’s hands like clamps around his waist or chest as he pinned Derek in place.

He shuddered as orgasm struck unexpectedly, groaning out John’s name even though he tried to stifle it. And then he just stood under the hot water until it turned lukewarm, signaling the end of his haven.

Drying off was a serious chore, as loose-limbed and relaxed as he felt, but he managed it. Wrapping the towel around his waist, he stumbled to his bedroom, closing his door and collapsing facedown without bothering to get into boxers or pants. He fell asleep not a minute later, awash in memories and bittersweet longing.

* * * *

John didn’t talk to him at breakfast and the damning silence hurt more than Derek had expected. He wouldn’t even look at Derek, his anger showing in his rigid posture and jerky movements. Derek sat at the kitchen table and ate cereal as he ignored the entire situation, attention firmly on the floating chocolate cereal bits in slowly coloring milk. Sarah sat across from Derek, not eating, but more just watching him for whatever reason. The terminator bitch stood by the stove, waiting for John to finish eating. He did, finally, and they walked out of the house together.

Sarah left not long after they did, heading for the living room, maybe her bedroom, and Derek worked his way through his cereal to the bottom of the bowl. He lifted it to drain the milk when a knife slid across his throat and he froze.

Sarah hissed against his ear, “Have you already touched my son, or are you still planning it?”

Derek figured that he was about ten seconds from death. Slowly setting the bowl back down, he answered as calmly as he could, “What makes you think I’ve done, or am planning to do, anything to John?”

“Because Cameron heard you last night in the shower.”

Conniving metal cunt, he thought viciously. Taking a steadying breath, he said, “I haven’t touched John since I’ve been here.”

It didn’t take her more than thirty seconds to figure out the distinction in his few words and the knife dug into his throat. A line of fire told him that she’d cut him as she snarled, “Explain before I kill you right here and now!”

Derek kept very still as he said, “It was a couple of nights before he sent me back and only happened once. John is…having his attention…he’s intense, overwhelming, and I will never forget that night for the rest of my life.”

She flinched, the knife digging in and then pulling away altogether. Walking to the other side of the table, Sarah sat heavily, as though hearing something she didn’t want to, and demanded, “He’s your nephew!”

“I didn’t know that at the time!” Derek exclaimed, reaching over to grab a towel to press to his throat. It came away bloody, but not very much. Holding it to the cut, he continued, “Jesus, Sarah, I was younger than him! How could I know? And if I had known, no, that wouldn’t have stopped me because he wanted it. Whatever John wants, he gets, and that’s your fault. He’s so fierce and strong with this, this iron core, that everyone bends to him, even those soulless machines, once he gets hold of them.”

Leaning on the table, she snapped, “My son is fifteen years old!”

“And my John is thirty-five,” Derek countered sharply. “Twenty years and a worldwide holocaust changes everything, don’t you think?”

“I want you gone,” Sarah ordered flatly.

Shaking his head, Derek told her, “I’m not going anywhere. John might or might not have known that we would meet up when he sent me back, but I am not leaving him to that bitch’s wiles if there’s a breath in my body.”

From the blazing fury in her eyes, Derek knew he was about to have a fight on his hands. One that could very well turn physical and then what the hell would he do? He couldn’t hurt Sarah without hurting John, and didn’t want to anyhow because he admired her.

“Look, Sarah, my John and your John are two very different people,” Derek finally said. “I’m not going to suddenly get the urge to do something with that boy. He’s not my John and it’s that simple. He’s not…the man I need, okay? I will protect him with every bone in my body, but I know that he’s not my John. Believe me, God, I know it.”

She flinched minutely whenever he said ‘my John,’ but stared him right in the eyes as he spoke. At long last, she looked away and asked slowly, “What if he comes onto you? What if my fifteen year old son decides that he wants you?”

“Then I’ll turn him down, gently,” Derek promised, amending, “At least until he’s seventeen. If he still wants me then, it will be as an adult and I won’t say no.”

Of course, Derek didn’t expect to live that long so the promise was moot, anyhow. He was sure that the terminator bitch or one of her kind would get him long before John even thought of guys sexually in general, never mind him in particular. Honestly, Derek wasn’t sure that John was even gay or bi, that it hadn’t been necessity to bring about their night together, despite his lover’s passion at the time. Sexual identities became a hell of a lot more fluid when your choice of partners was limited.

Sarah pinched the bridge of her nose and said, “Time travel gives me a headache.”

Derek huffed in dark amusement. “Join the club. At least you don’t have to worry about vanishing into nothing if we stop Skynet and the timeline that was, never exists.”

From her startled expression, Derek could see that had never occurred to her.

“Shit, Derek, I’m sorry,” she said, compassion darkening her gaze.

Standing, he asked, “Are we done with this? Because I’d really like to never have another conversation about how you think I’m a perv, ever again. And I’d really like for that bitch to stop spying on me in the shower.”

She nodded and agreed, “I’ll warn Cameron off.”

Derek left the kitchen for the bathroom where he locked the door and then sat in the tub, hugging his knees to his chest. He felt sick from the confrontation and wanted nothing more than to stay curled up for the rest of the day. Had he just made a promise that he wouldn’t be able to keep? Would he break it if John did want him? The only thing he had was his word, but the hole in his heart and the ache in his gut could very well make a liar of him.

A soft tap at the door startled him and he called out hoarsely, “Yeah?”

“I’m heading out for groceries,” Sarah said through the door. “Do you want anything?”

“No, I’m good,” he answered.

Derek slowly climbed out of the tub and stared at his reflection for a few minutes before leaving his temporary sanctuary. He decided to fix the roof as a way to blank his mind for at least a little while. He could lose himself in the physical exertion of hard work and maybe do something good for a change.